Forestry England Explores Other Revenue Sources

Lymington Tipster / NewMilton AdviceTouter speculator Wallis Hullaballou.

Central Government has put Forestry England in a terrible bind in their management of the New Forest.  The Minister’s Mandate for the Forest puts conservation of the natural and cultural heritage as chief objective, with both policy and legal obligations to preserve good quality habitat and restore declining areas.  Despite this, DEFRA only provides 12 % of their funding.   In an effort to cover flagging timber revenue, King’s House has proposed extending their honeypot ice cream van tender from five to seventeen of their 130 Car Parks with a modestly wider food and drink selection.  This has received push-back from village vendors, parish councillors, the CDA, Friends of the New Forest, and a dim view is expected from the Verderers who have standing to block the proposal.

John Ward, Chair of Friends of the New Forest has gone on record: “We’ve been concerned about FE’s proposals for food vans in their car parks, which would be inconsistent with obligations to their Site of Special Scientific Interest, and duties under both the Minister’s Mandate and S245 of the Levelling-up and Regeneration Act 2023 relating to National Park’s first Purpose: Conservation.  Additionally, food sales in Forest car parks can only increase adverse interactions between visitors and commoners’ stock.  With this in mind, we will fully support Forestry’s new plan to generate revenue while avoiding both danger to the public and animals, and those increased liabilities threatening Commoning.

Forestry England appear to have found such a solution, one which many authorities in similar positions have thought would revitalize their revenue.  On March 31^st they announced a plan to open Casinos in an undisclosed number of car parks.

Deputy Surveyor for the New Forest, Craig “Le Chiffre” Harrison speaking in a hastily convened Easter Weekend Zoom Call with various Forest Stakeholders joining incongruously through Microsoft Teams (whilst this reporter listened in on a jerry-rigged iPhone taped to a Victrola), “Forestry England will be putting out a tender for a pilot scheme for licensed gambling restricted to the gravelled, hogginned or paved areas of car parks on the Crown Lands.  We are betting that this will both fulfil our requirements for revenue, and fund the many good works we do for Forest conservation, restoration, recreation and tourism.  Also, if anyone is in any doubt, that pun about betting was intentional.”

Balmer Lawn Cricket Pitch Converted to Craps Table

Greeting this announcement the way many greet indigestion, Official Verderer, Edward “Fast Eddie” Heron averred, “The Verderers were concerned that this plan would violate the stipulations in the New Forest Acts that prohibit FE from taking anything beyond timber from the Inclosures, but the plan to issue wooden gambling chips made on site cleverly skirts this legality.

Chief Exec of the New Forest National Park Authority, and person-too-polite-to-tell-you-you’ve-been-singing-off-key, Alison “All-In” Barnes, enthused “we welcome this boost to the local economy.  Although this is indifferent to our first two Purposes, 1 – Protect/Conserve and 2 – Understand/Enjoy, these are followed third by our Duty to seek to foster the economic and social well-being of the local communities; then fourth by the requirement to have our purposes furthered by others; then fifth by the intention to be honest, trustworthy and loyal;  sixth by that nagging feeling that we’re not sustainable because someone left the lights on; seventh our existential dread, and, finally by our deep seated need to please everyone even if it leaves us paralyzed and ineffective.”

Hawkhill Hold ‘Em Champion five years running, Forest polymath and international rally driver Richard “Double Down” Reeves explained unnecessarily, “Gambling here has a long history.  Several statues and also a temple altar of the gambling Goddess Fortuna, relics of Roman Britain including finds near the River Tyne, Bowes County Durham, and most recently Cockermouth Cumbria. Medieval Kings forbade gaming to most commoners, in the general sense….” Richard then proceeded to declaim the clauses from various Carta dating from 1190, as written in the specific legal Latin he’d autodidactified, until everyone on the call accepted both that he was exceptionally brilliant, and his withering disdain of their middle-class values.

Pony Powered Roulette wheel, design option 1.

Clive “The Cooler” Chatters, Natural England Verderer and man-so-amiable-when-destroying-your-argument-you-believe-he-agrees-with-you,  “We think it’s unethical to bet on whether conservation targets are met, although strangely enough the odds on the Government meeting its ’30×30′ goal to protect 30% of the UK by 2030 are 30 to 1,  the 25 Year Environment Plan goal to restore 75% of our SSSIs to favourable condition by 2042 is at 75 to 1, and meeting the climate change goal of Net Zero by 2050 is at 100 to 1.  If the accumulator comes in, at least I’ll be able to afford two seats on Elon’s rocket to Mars.”

Chair of the Croupiers and Dealers Association (formerly Commoners Defence), Anthony “Ace in the Hole” Parry-Norton, boomed convincingly, “It’s a delicate time, the slim upside of the end of the Basic Payment Scheme was losing its undue influence on stock numbers.  Pressure to depasture more stock just to cover the point spread on Drift predictions is unwelcome.  On the other hand, we are looking into whether the Commoning community would once again invoke the ancient right of Turbary, the right to the Turf.

Jen “The Favourite” Thomas, current Natural England ecologist (equivalent in old money = four Natural England ecologists) opined, “Many of the Forest’s SSSI Units are in Unfavourable-Declining Condition, but under this plan they may be re-evaluated.  The Going of the boggy areas has already been noted as Heavy (Good to Soft in some places), however we must watch out for the Mires going Good to Firm under climate change, which is why we back Wetland Restoration for the win.”

Pony Driven Roulette Wheel for Beaulieu Road Sales Yard, artist’s conception

Head Agister, and hat stand, Jonathan “Set Thorns Slim” Gerrelli, weighed in, “We’ll have to closely monitor the effect of the Casinos on the herds.  For instance, we won’t allow complimentary drinks being served to high rollers, particularly in the winter months, livestock may be drawn to the salt on margarita glasses.  Although studies have shown that it is unlikely that horses can count above six, given previous learned behaviour, we’ll be keeping the donkeys away from the blackjack tables, as I wouldn’t put card-counting past them.”

Anthony “Tony the Trowel” Pasmore, elected Verderer, LT columnist and man who knows where the boiling mounds are buried, predicted, “Of course there are concerns that this may attract an unsavoury element.  The Forest has always been able to take care of itself.  Bogs and acid soil have ways of helping problems, erm, disappear…”

John “Trifecta Trike Johnny” Ward, Chair of, only just during this article renamed, Friends and Partners of the New Forest, hedged diplomatically “Until a thorough Habitats Regulation Assessment has been done, we’ll have to keep a watching brief. We’ve already had word from bat specialists, (not even on this call, but that hearing, eh?) that fruit machine sounds may disturb the common pipistrelle.  Who knows what other issues will arise?  If this goes terribly wrong, we don’t want anyone shrugging it off as: What happens in Wilverley, stays in Wilverley.”

Next up:  Natural England in talks with National Park to downgrade “robust” areas of New Forest from Triple to Double “S” I.  Coming in time for Christmas: “ESCALADO: New Forest Point-to-Point edition”.
Finally, The New Forest Pony Breeding & Cattle Society has asked us to remind riders with spirited ponies, should they prance across the Forest this Spring, “Please gambol responsibly.”